Thursday, January 15, 2009


Some of the News
That may be True


Sub Rosa's investigative reporter, Tracy Richards, has obtained a draft of what appears to be the final remarks of accused financier, Bernie Madoff, before being sentenced to prison (or fleeing to Brazil?). Mr. Madoff first states that he is sorry if he offended anyone or caused monetary loss. Other highlights of the draft:

Madoff claims that he has been unfairly criticized when his period of financial administration was really a success. Many investors enjoyed excellent results and, except for some disgruntled elites in Europe, his financial institution was widely respected throughout the world.

He understands that some people disagreed with his policies or actions, but that he had the ultimate responsibility and did not flinch from making the hard decisions.

His financial plan would have had continued success had it not been interrupted. He had taken bold action but had an exit strategy involving some unnamed sovereign funds. History will take a favorable view of his legace.

Madoff did concede some mistakes, which he called disappointments. One of these was his failure to send substantial relief funds for Katrina victims. He had been assured by the government that its response had been timely and quite sufficient.

What many did not understand and appreciate, Madoff maintained, was that, post 9-11, he had kept the country safe from incursions by Russian oligarchs and Nigerian financial schemes. In these times of globalization, his financial institution had kept our money in our homeland.


Former NBA star Charles Barkley has announced his intention to enter politics
and run for governor of Alabama. However, in stating graphically that he
ran a stop sign in his haste to obtain a certain physical pleasure, he has
undoubtedly disqualified himself as too honest to succeed as a politician.*

Caroline Kennedy seeks post of UN Secretary General.

Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald refused to comment on the rumor that Illinois
Governor Rod Blagojevich had reached a plea bargain deal with the
government. The terms of the deal supposedly calls for deposit of $500,000
in the Governor's Swiss bank account, as well as a cushy job for his wife.

Brett Favre says he plans to retire from his job as Jet's quarterback.

Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales asserts that he was a casualty of
the war on terror, not a culprit. At the same time, he announced the
formation of a law firm, partnering with former Supreme Court nominee
Harriet Miers. The firm intends to specialize on human rights issues.

Zbigniew Brzezinski calls his daughter "stunningly superficial"

Bush - Cheney Legacy

The White House announced the naming of James Frey as official historian of the Bush-Cheney administration. It was felt that Mr. Frey is the author most qualified to do justice to the success and honor of this eight year administration. Mr Frey is most famous for his best selling memoir, "A Million Little Pieces".

GM Buys Chrysler, Plans to Move All Operations to South Carolina

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin claims turkey slaughter during her press
conference was a terrible mistake. She had pardoned all those turkeys earlier
in the day.

Hillary Clinton takes unauthorized trip to Moscow. The Secretary of State
said that it was perfectly appropriate for her to travel to meet with Prime
Minister Putin since she had known him for many years. A statement from
President Obama's office noted that there had not been sufficient advance
work, not referring to "preconditions" of course.

Pope complains to Obama. Pope Benedict XVI joined several European
heads of states in a communiqué to President-elect Obama complaining that
they have been unable to obtain tickets to his inauguration. They pleaded for
his intervention on their behalf. In reply, Obama spokesman David Axelrod
noted that, because of widespread demand, it would be extremely difficult
but that he would see what he

* "He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw
get in the passenger seat," the officer said. He asked me to admit that she was 'hot'. He
said, 'I was gonna drive around the corner and get a b**w job He then explained that she
had given him a b**w job one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had
in his life."